In a move that stunned media and energy industry observers, Transtion Voice, the upstart Web rag that emerged last year to cover peak oil, climate change and the Transition movement, announced today that it would shift its focus to cheerleading for Big Oil, Big Coal, and Big Nuclear instead.
“There’s not a lot of money to be made in telling the story of energy decline, however crucial that story may be,” said Transition Voice publisher Erik Curren. “But you start spouting evil genius campaigns like Clean Coal or doing stunts like standing on top of your local uranium mine shouting, ‘Dangerous? pshaw!’ and the big money people like Chuck Koch and Americans for Prosperity come running, checkbooks in hand. We just finally realized where our bread was going to be buttered.”
Show me the money
The magazine will now issue a daily Mad Grab feature geared toward wild energy speculators.
“We hope to simultaneously get more energy money flowing on Wall Street and get in on gaming the system,” Curren said. “If you look at the trends out of Washington, this is the only way to get any respect. And money. We hope to crash and burn and get bailed out within a year. I mean my wife could really use a vacation, and a nice end-of-year bailout would be just the ticket…to Paris!”
In response to concerns from other peak oil figures that the online media couple were selling out, Transition Voice editor and Erik’s wife Lindsay Curren replied, “Oh, we’ve done the starving writers thing for six months. Peak oil, peak oil, blah blah. No one’s listening. Anyway, do you think this hair styles itself? Once you get in with the wives of people like former Massey CEO Don Blankenship, or, or…former President George W. Bush, it’s all Armani suits and mud wraps and trips to the Vineyard. Am I stupid? That is such a better deal than watery coffee with guys in wrinkled suits at the ASPO-USA conference!”
Deepwater drilling for media gold
With the anniversary of the Deepwater Horizon disaster just weeks away, the Currens hope to position Transition Voice to capitalize on all the hoopla.
“No one can turn tragedy into gold like Big Oil,” said Mr. Curren. “We expect press passes for solemn commemorations, sure, but then bring on the pâté and Veuve Cliquot, my friend, it’s party time!”
During the next year the Currens hope to explore backyard nuclear fission, perma-monoculture, and travel features like “Tar Sands Getaways: Not as Dirty as You Think.”
“We weren’t ready to go full-Palin just yet,” explained Mrs. Curren. “But President Obama’s energy speech on Wednesday showed that even Dems are going for off-shore drilling, corn ethanol, hydrofracking, coal and nukes. They just have to wrap a little solar, wind and vague renewable-portfolio talk around it. The name of the game is corporate alignment. There’s really nothing wrong with being a plutocrat, as long as you’re with the folks getting the fat handouts. Let’s face it, corporate Socialism is a pretty sweet deal.”
Pain at the pump — time to be compassionate
What Obama also showed, said Mr. Curren, is that the only way you can talk about energy to the American people is to grouse about high gas prices, point the finger of blame at somebody or other and then throw out some solution, no matter how implausible.
“We banged our heads against the wall for months, trying to come up with an angle on how peak oil would actually lower gas prices, ‘give relief to America’s working families,’ yadda, yadda. Nothing stuck. There’s just no percentage in this whole Cassandra thing, telling people they’ll have to start living small. Let’s face it. Americans want to live big. And once you just stop fighting against that reality, it opens the golden gateway to fat sponsorship deals, appearances on The View, the Easy Jet speakers circuit and testifying before Congress.”
— Transition Voice