In response to an increasing amount of bad publicity fingering them as puppet masters behind Governor Scott Walker’s union-busting drive in Wisconsin, the Tea Party’s push to cut government services and pro-corporate, climate-science denying astroturf groups such as Americans for Prosperity, Charles and David Koch are now fighting back.
This month, they’re launching a new publicity campaign to burnish their public image. And it’s ambitious. They say they’re not going to be satisfied talking to other conservatives or corporate titans. Instead, the Kochs want to reach out to an audience that may disagree with many of their stances.
With our highly targeted readership of people who care about climate change, energy and the economy, we’re pleased that the Kochs approached Transition Voice to announce their new initiative. We expect that the informal dialogue below will help our readers see the human face of these controversial billionaires.
DAVID KOCH: Working behind the scenes through the Tea Party and our other groups is all well and good, but ever since I ran for vice-president in 1980, I’ve been itching to get back into the mix, out in front of the public. So I’m really excited about our campaign.
CHARLES KOCH: Didn’t you run on a platform to cut public schools, social security and the FBI? Boy, I wish you’d won. Those G-Men are a huge pain in the ass. They’re always poking around in our business with their pompous little investigations. The worst was that crapola in ’99. “Stealing oil from federal Indian land” — please! What the hell do Indians need with oil? Any decent Red Man these days is going to be running slot machines and pai gow poker on the rez. And a $500,000 fine? The feds must’ve been drunk on Ripple if they thought that kind of chump change meant anything to us.
DAVID: People get jealous of success. It happened with Daddy. Just cause he did pretty well cracking gas for the Russians in the thirties, the big oil guys said he was in cahoots with Stalin. Well he showed them when he started John Birch. He knew the evils of socialism first hand. But now it’s just like we’re the targets of new socialists and their new Stalin, Comrade Barack Hussein Obama.
CHARLES: It’s that asshole Olbermann and his obsession with Clarence Thomas. Why can’t we show him and Scalia a good time? They would’ve voted the right way on Citizens United anyway. And those tree-kissers, the Sierra Club and Greenpeace terrorists with their ridiculous zeppelin at our meeting in Rancho Mirage. If we don’t buy politicians, then who’s to stop them from taxing us to death? We could’ve pissed $43,000 away in one night on hookers and Cristal if we didn’t give it to Scott Walker’s campaign.
DAVID: Yes, Chuckie, Obama’s stooges are spreading all sorts of bunk about us. It really helps their fundraising.
CHARLES: I’ve always said — just wait for ’em to go back to giving pedicures to polar bears and chauffeuring welfare queens up to Tiffanys. Or else put ’em on the defensive, tell Murdoch to make Glenn Beck do one of those flowcharts how the greenies and socialists are secretly getting money from George Soros to kill American business and help Ted Turner make out in China. Can’t we just call Tim Phillips and get his AFP grassroots buses over to some retirement homes, put on some big protests, get on “Fox and Friends”?
DAVID: AFP’s “Hot Air Tour” really was a fun way to debunk the global warming hoax. In a free market of ideas, we need to be proactive about telling our own story.
CHARLES: Yeah, Frank Luntz says that on every call. But at sixteen hundred bucks an hour, he’s just trying to rack up more monthly billables.
DAVID: Chuckie, we need to show the American people that we’re middle class guys just like them. You know, we enjoy Beer Nuts and Cheez Whiz too.
CHARLES: Why don’t we just “fly them out to Cali and really show them a good time”?
DAVID: Ha, ha, that’s a good one, Chuckie. Boy that prank-calling jerk from Buffalo sure did have our friend Gov. Walker going.
CHARLES: Reminds me, I really do need to give Walker a call. If he thinks that the unions are done over there and that he can just eat brownies and cruise online porn all day for the next three years, he’s got another thing coming. It’s going to take a lot more to take those AFL-CIO freeloaders out at the knees —
DAVID: Enough with the chit-chat, Chuckie. Let’s get to the campaign.
CHARLES: This whole damn thing just makes me want to suck down some Ex-Lax.
DAVID: It’s called “Koch Adds Life.”
CHARLES: Nobody’s ever gonna know how much we had to pay off those greedy Coke bastards in Atlanta to use their dumb old slogan.
DAVID: Well everybody already knows that Koch Adds Life to free enterprise. But what they don’t know, and what we’re going to show, is that:
- Koch Adds Life to…the Environment. In 1999, our company Koch Petroleum Group in Minnesota donated hundreds of thousands of gallons of premium aviation fuel to help lubricate a nearby wetland.
- Koch Adds Life to…Middle-class Prosperity. When our older pipelines start to pop leaks (“swiss cheese”), we just let local homeowners enjoy all the clean natural gas they want, totally free of charge.
- Koch Adds Life to…Energy Independence. In just three years between 2006 and 2009, we spent $37.9 million on lobbyists to make sure that America didn’t waste money on piddly sources of energy like solar and wind but stuck to what we know really works — oil and gas.
We don’t have time here to tell you all the ways that Koch Adds Life, but stay tuned over the next few weeks to learn how you and us, America and the Koch brothers, can work together to add life to all our lives.
CHARLES: And don’t forget the part about drilling here-drilling-now-paying-less. To keep our pipelines full, this country needs more domestic drilling, even if it’s just that junk tar sands that’s hardly worth the diesel fuel they burn up to scoop it out. Tree-friggers need to shut up about oil spills, BP, the Gulf, blah blah blah.
DAVID: America can provide all our own energy and grow the economy for the next 500 years if only we’d let American companies access the abundant energy resources we have right here at home.
CHARLES: Yeah, that’s the message. And we also need to make sure that everybody knows “peak oil” is just an ad campaign by the Saudis and Hugo Chavez to jack up Brent Crude.
— Charles and David Koch